How to Check in on People in Difficult Times

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Appraisal graphic.png

A New York Times article, “How to Ask if Everything Is OK When It’s Clearly Not,” suggests ways to offer compassion. Here are Anna Goldfarb’s recommendations:

  • Check for signs of distress: moodiness, unkempt appearance

  • Check yourself first: Are you in a good place to engage?

  • Be specific about your observations: What behavior could indicate a problem?

  • Ask general or specific questions, depending on your relationship:

    • “Is anything on your mind?” or

    • “How are your kids adjusting to so many changes at school?”

  • Or just make a statement: “I’m wondering how you are.”

  • Talk about your own challenges; be vulnerable

  • Just listen; you don’t have to solve anyone else’s problem

  • Set a time to follow up

This article reminds me a model for appraising whether we offer compassion. This version is in Building Leadership Character, adapted from Jennifer Goetz, whose article was published in Psychological Bulletin.

Discussion:

  • How comfortable would you feel engaging someone in this way during the pandemic? What might prevent you from doing so?

  • Think of a time when you offered someone compassion. How does the appraisal model apply? How about a time when you didn’t offer someone compassion?